Can the greatest deception be the deception of self? Our minds work to understand the sensory data which surrounds and envelops us. It tirelessly interprets the information, through a process we call thinking – and attempts to come to a conclusion so that we can unravel this mysterious thing called life. The mind loves this. It is designed specifically for this. It loves to think and to problem solve. It loves when It can come to a conclusion and give the illusion of certainty. Once it is obtained it moves on searching for its next morsel. We all look outside of ourselves to find and to gather examples as to what we are. This starts immediately upon our arrival at birth. We seek out characteristics that reflect back to us what it is we think our identity relies on. I know I did this. Through observation of the world around me, I formed ideas as to what it meant to be a man, an American, an individual. I took these exterior examples and internalized them. After all I am a man, an American, and an individual. Sometimes the examples I observed in the outside world did not fit with who I truly was. Often I thought one way and felt another. I did not bother to change my ideas on how I should be when there was an internal conflict, I did not try to reconcile these differences. The world clearly knew better. After all most of the information came from friends and family, and trusted sources. I just started pretending. I allowed my mind to override my heart. These, I suspect, where my earliest lies. Lies I told to myself. These lies lay the groundwork for a systemic corruption that would eventually cause a complete system failure. There is an old adage that goes something like this – we are only as sick as our secrets. The truth of these words cut deep. Each and every secret is based on a lie, a deception. They recoil from the light. They cause us to betray ourselves with increasing frequency. We become adept at masquerading in front of our friends, families, coworkers and our peers, as something else – a fraud. We act according to our identity as prescribed by the examples we have seen. The mind produces this information. It has been recorded and replayed. It is a cheap copy of what we’ve seen unless we listen to our hearts. No matter how great the disconnect between my heart and my own mind, my ego insisted that the show must go on. I lived this way for some time. The differences were never reconciled and in time the nagging ache in my heart began to change and dull. A numbness eventually set in. I continued on like this, rigidly set in how to act and to think, with a complete disregard for how I felt. How many of us live this way? With this organ, this brain, overriding the truth of who we are deep inside. How many of us are living lies?
The fact remains that my quality of life plummeted when living according to these lies. It all changed when my inner voice of feeling instead of thinking was recognized and understood. This little voice is me. Unadulterated. Emotionally pure. Wanting only goodness for me and everyone on earth. Ready to defend when threatened but taking no pleasure in the fight. This is me.
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