Sometimes I try and make sense of it all. The way I fell apart, bit by bit, until there was nothing left but a naked despair that felt something like staring down a deep dank well. But it never coalesces into a rationally cohesive string of memories that I could then dissect to gain a total understanding. Instead I am left to sift through the scattered shards of a life lost, obliterated by an awakening. It was like awakening from a dream. The dreamscape quickly fading as each second passed, replaced by a waking lucidity that remains steadfast and true. I cannot make sense of my past, I can only understand myself here and now.
Deception was the hallmark of my past life. I buried the truth of my being as I was indoctrinated into a role the world wanted me to play. I learned the culturally acceptable way a man should act. As an American, a New Yorker, and an Italian I was expected to behave in certain ways still. In all of these roles I was given set parameters. I could only move so far in any direction. My thoughts and behaviors became limited by my identity which in turn was limited by the worldview I had adopted. The strangest part of my prior self-deception is just how unknowable it had been.
I wonder sometimes when it began; my act of being something other than what I was. I have memories where I was shamed and scolded because of my behavior, and I can distinctly remember how important I felt it was to please my family. At some point I began to suppress my true feelings and thoughts. I was an inquisitive, creative, passionate and extremely empathetic young boy. My sensitivity was the first thing I remember being scolded for. I was repeatedly told I was too sensitive. I also remember getting in trouble for asking certain questions. The kind of questions that bring to light the inconsistencies in how things are perceived by the willfully ignorant. The whole time I was growing up I was perfecting an act. Like a schizophrenic split I was both the actor and the audience. I performed day in and day out to a sold out crowd of one. My subconscious mind always watching, always responding. My conscious mind nothing more than the tick-tock of a clock wound by another.
We all start out with the pure emotional drives of our sovereign beings as the cause to our effect. The effect being our thoughts and actions, the cause is our hearts true intent. I severed from my true cause. I replaced it with an attention to developing an ego that could stand as a representative to the world because my true self just wasn’t good enough. As my ego grew it sustained itself on worldly praise by fitting within the status quo. My patterns of thought and behavior were dictated by my ego. The complete disregard of my true self and my innate feeling nature caused me to suffer in ever increasing ways. I believe this was the cause of my afflictions, because once I removed the deception they all vanished.
I cannot make sense of my past because it was non-sense. Today I am driven by the emotional cauldron that is me. I act from my heart and I know exactly why. The mind easily understands the logical and rational truth of acting with emotional honesty. It doesn’t need to contrive deceptive and complex reasoning or stretch the truth or tell a few white lies. That is why I’ve learned to let my heart lead. My mind is unburdened and at ease. I feel that I am at peace and that is a beautiful thing.
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