icy field

Disease of Spirit; My Self Exploration

the onion, the delicious, red, onion.

Once you take on a journey of self exploration you begin to discover that life isn’t all that complicated.  All the chaos slows and the roiling-bubbling-churning mixture of thoughts and emotions that can manifest as everything from desire to fear simmers down. Manageable becomes a word you can apply to everyday things,  even things you previously thought where beyond repair. It is a worthwhile journey.  All It takes a desire to change and the willingness to consistently focus inwardly and unravel the onion of your being.  I want to get to the center of my onion.  Unfortunately, it kept me crying like a sou-chef on onion duty.  But it is well worth every tear- and I highly recommend it.

bus seat
shiny seats with no passengers… reminds me of something…
raw emotion. “The Grrrrrrrr”

  At any point in my life I probably would have told you that I was completely self-aware… that is, until very recently.  You see, something finally snapped…  and a change that all of my age and experience could not produce began.  I found that all of my knowledge and self assured opinions became inconsequential when leveraged against this new-found realization.  It was the simple  realization that somewhere deep inside I had been the same all along. I had aged, I had been through the proverbial minefield (and stepped on more than a few), I had been hurt, I had hurt others, been the betrayer and the betrayed.. but as I focused on that unwavering and unchanging center that had been there all along; I found myself suddenly awake and aware in ways I never knew possible.  Who knew that if I simply gazed inward at the core of my self and my feeling nature I could unravel so many mysteries!

icy field
that manhole cover is me

Instead of spending all my time looking at the world and plucking from it tid-bits of intellectual data, because I felt they related to me in one way or another, I looked inward. As soon as I started acknowledging my self, or the unchanging within, my awareness deepened in ways I never knew possible. For so many years I thought I needed to know more. To understand more of the ‘why’s’ of this world and to be well read and, of course,  full of experience.  I’m not saying that this stuff is not valuable because it is.  What I am saying is that it is next to meaningless without the solid foundation of self-knowing.

my soul slouches sometimes

 By focusing inward I became aware of the originating source that is ever-present behind all of my feelings and my thoughts. The presence, that is behind my gut reactions and tearful moments, had become observable.  I discovered the foundation beneath it all.  I can still vividly remember how disconnected I felt with my feeling nature at that point.  I had become so ingrained in thought that I identified solely with my intellect. When my thoughts and feelings were incongruous  I tried to change my emotions- and after wasting years of effort I finally admitted defeat.  This was a groundbreaking moment in my life.  It was just like finding the monkey wrench in the gear box.  My feeling nature is steadfast and concrete and I let it lead me.  I am happy to report that after a steady and disciplined approach at self-exploration my perspective has shifted dramatically. 

One thing is for certain,  when my feeling nature was not acknowledged and honored in every thought and deed I suffered because of it.  Sometimes I suffered greatly.  Just like white blood cells will swarm to attack a disease my emotions would swarm up and attack every time I betrayed myself.  Maybe spiritual health and physical health are more alike than we realize…

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